We have all experienced it: At the beginning of a relationship sex is great, but with more and more time passing your sex-life kind of becomes a bit dull and maybe even subsides completely. Let me show you some ways to get sexy back into it.
When the “sexy” moves out
Many relationships that are going on for a long while, get to that point, where sex somehow just is not the highest priority anymore. But not only that: Maybe you catch yourself not exchanging physical contact on a regular basis anymore or even worse, you only realise that fact when being asked. Or maybe the way you talk to each other rather resembles the way you used to talk to your siblings than the way couples in a romantic relationship usually talk to each other. And yes, maybe it is kind of difficult to answer the question when you had sex the last time because it has been so long ago.
What might sound awful in the first moment is nothing that should freak you out too bad though. There is even a word used to describe it: “Familialization”. This describes nothing else than the phenomenon of romantic couples starting to see themselves and behaving as relatives rather than as what they are, namely a romantic couple. And it is one of the main reasons why couples decrease the amount of sexual interaction they have - or even stop having sex at all.
Now as I have pointed out, this happens to the best of us and of course is not something couples aim for from the beginning. The tricky thing about it is that it happens slowly. It seems as if it is a rather creeping process, so silent that often it takes a while until couples realise it is there. Caught up with daily life, work, household, maybe even kids we seem to somehow overlook those tiny signs, like the touches we give each other becoming less, the kisses we share becoming shorter or the sexual rhythm becoming infrequent. And often, when we realise we kind of panic and doubt our love or even more our counterparts love towards oneself. Thoughts of him or her having an affair or simply not feeling attracted anymore come up and along with them a huge portion of insecurity. And that is where it becomes dangerous because with insecurity comes frustration and bad feelings, which most of the times make it difficult to have a relaxed, adult and most of all helpful conversation about it.
#1 Do not take it personally
That is why my first tip is to not take things too personally. Yes, that sounds kind of off since it affects you personally, but believe me when I say that mostly the reason why your sex life is subsiding is rather found in the circumstances than in you as a person and partner. It is not that your partner has lost interest in you particularly but rather that he or she and also yourself are caught up with all the other things going on and therefore has lost the sexual connection overall. By you taking it personally and therefore feeling really bad about it you are tackling the issue at the wrong end and that will lead to unpleasant and harmful discussions rather than you finding a solution and clarifying the situation. That is why it is important to not automatically assume that it has something to do with you but rather look at the overall situation as well as your daily lives. What does your and her or his daily routine look like, how do you spend your time at home etc? You can be quite sure, that your counterpart misses the sexual connection as much as you do and probably feels as helpless as you do.
#2 Find common ground
And that is where you can start tackling things: Try finding your common ground. Is there something you both enjoy doing, do you share a hobby or the love for a specific series on tv? What do your working hours look like, when do you have free time, do your schedules match somewhere? And also, what is it your partner likes, maybe he enjoys ice cream from time to time, or taking a hot bath, or taking a walk or even playing cards and so on. This is something you can also think about on your own. It gives you the chance to overview the situation and maybe find answers to the subsiding sex life beforehand. It might also help you realise that the reason for you both having less sex is not you but much more your busy lives or your different timetables and so on. Like this, you can calm yourself down and get out of the fear loop you might be sitting in. Of course, at some point, it is then best to talk about it all with your partner. Have an open, honest talk, let him or her know, that you miss them and you miss exchanging caresses and having sex with them. A good talk can work wonders, trust me. Just remember to always focus on common ground.
#3 Masturbation
Yes, you read well: Masturbation. It is proven that by not being sexually active the sex drive diminishes further and kind of falls asleep and with a sleeping sex drive logically you feel less and less keen to have sex. You see the loop here, right? That is why I truly believe that masturbation is an important tool, for men and women equally. By masturbating you not only grant yourself some sexual pleasure, but you also keep your connection to your body and to the sexual part of yourself awake and therefore decrease the chances of not wanting or needing sex anymore. Even the simple fact that masturbating increases the blood flow in your genitals just like having sex does, has an effect on how you feel towards sex in general. By regularly supplying your sexual organs with blood you keep them alive and eager which will automatically also keep your longing for sexual encounters alive. You can basically think of your sexual organs being like Snow white, they need to be kissed regularly not to fall into a long-lasting sleep. And while you and your partner might have a low sexual phase you can still keep those juices running by simply pleasuring yourself. After all, we live in times where the selection of sex toys is huge and provides a truly wide range of little helpers that will add to you granting yourself some self-love.
#4 Take a leap
As I have pointed out not having sex anymore with your partner is kind of a loop. By not having sex, you lose contact with that part of yourself and therefore your hunger for sex becomes lower which ends up in you not thinking or really wanting sex as often which adds up to not having as much sex and so on. So basically what you need to do, incorporating your partner, is to get the sex loop going again. Now I know that that might be a bit hard at the beginning, it is like trying to get the Titanic moving but trust me, it is worth it. The best case is if you both talked about it and agreed to both steer things up again, like this you might feel less alone in doing so. But even if it is just you, go for it, you will see that after a starting phase things will really start to change - to your sexual benefit. Whereas how to start is quite simple and you have a ton of options. Try integrating more physical contact in your daily lives, for example, hold that kiss a bit longer when she leaves the house, grab his butt just the way he likes it when he comes home, spend some time granting her neck some sexy attention while she is watching tv, step behind him and let him feel your body while brushing your teeth, play her favourite sex-song while preparing dinner or start wearing lingerie again when going to bed. All those little things will heat up the mood and help to slowly enhance the spark into a loathing fire again. At the same time by tingling the mood outside of the bedroom you keep the pressure low and give yourself and your counterpart the chance to reconnect without putting on too much stress and pressure.
#5 Try out new things
Last but not least, once you have turned the heat up again make sure to keep things fresh by staying open and trying out new things. Like this, you can keep a certain playfulness to the entire thing and keep it from becoming dull over time. Also, make sure to keep up an open and honest conversation about what you like, where your desires lie, how you are feeling and what makes you feel good. For relationships, it is essential to keep that conversation going so that both partners always know what the other one is going thru and especially how desires evolve. It might very well be that after some years she starts enjoying sexual role-play or he finds out that watching her masturbate really turns him on etc. We are all humans and as such we constantly evolve and change, so remember to keep up to date.
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